Spread Kindness: Meaningful Conversation

I've been pondering what makes a conversation feel like an experience. I have had the privilege of being a part of conversations where I felt deeply connected. They don't happen as often as I would like. They don't happen with very many people either.

Life is full of people who talk at us, expecting us to be an open vessel for their monologues. They might ask how we are, but it seems as though they aren't listening to our response. It often feels like they're just waiting for us to finish so they can express what they wanted to share before they asked, rather than genuinely caring about our answer.

Some people might ask a question, but then, as we answer, they might look at their phone or concentrate on something else. Sometimes, they even shift the conversation entirely, rather than engaging with our response. Eye contact is crucial in human interaction because it releases oxytocin, a chemical that triggers a sense of reward.

When a conversation includes more than two people, participants often speak simultaneously; some pay attention, while others do not. Those who are not listening frequently request repetitions of what was said. It can resemble a frustrating game of round robin where everyone appears to be losing.

Conversations often seem to center around interrupting, with individuals interrupting others or even themselves. Even more frustrating are debates where no one listens, and everyone speaks loudly. These exchanges can be incredibly exhausting. Everything turns into noise, and we may feel compelled to leave.

I'm not alone in pondering this topic lately. I've heard several discussions that have delved into this same line of thought.

During Rainn Wilson's podcast, Soul Boom, Kelly Corrigan joined as a guest, and they discussed their views on what constitutes a good conversation. (You can listen here.) Rainn assesses a good discussion based on balanced speaking time. Did both participants talk for roughly the same duration while the other actively listened? If one person led the conversation this time, did the other take the lead last time?

Kelly Corrigan believes we should double the number of questions we ask and reduce the amount of talking we do by half. She believes that conversing with someone who asks follow-up questions demonstrates that they are excellent listeners. She advocates for wonder and curiosity. Is the person we're chatting with truly interested in what we have to say? Are we sincerely curious about what someone else might share with us?

Asking questions that require someone to elaborate or provide clarification demonstrates that we are actively participating in the topic at hand. Knowing we have the listener's full attention can prompt more profound thoughts and feelings. It shows they genuinely want to hear what we have to say, that they deeply care about what has been happening in our lives.

I'd like to add another sign of an advanced listener: Someone so intent on listening that they take the time to digest what we've said, consider their thoughts on it, and thoughtfully decide how to respond, or if a response is even necessary. Because we also need a listener who knows when our thoughts have gotten ahead of our speech, and who gives us the time to slow down, breathe, and gather our thoughts before they interrupt our flow.

Breakdown is Dr. Mayim Bialik's podcast. On it, she interviewed Vanessa Van Edwards, an expert in nonverbal communication, also known as body language. (You can listen here.) While she did not specifically discuss speaking or listening, she shared how much our posture and facial expressions play a role in forming meaningful connections.

For example, humans love hand gestures (polite ones, of course) as they can convey openness and honesty when they are congruent with what a person is saying. Conversely, they can reveal when a person is being dishonest; those who are being disingenuous or giving rehearsed answers tend to use fewer hand gestures. Especially telling is when someone says"Yes," while shaking their head in a "no" motion.

Pursed lips can indicate withholding or silent disagreement. The best approach when confronted with this facial expression is to ask, "Are we good? Is everything okay?" The same if someone rolls their eyes while you're speaking. If it seems out of place, ask them directly if everything is okay.

The most detrimental to our connections can be a micro-expression of contempt. For example, a tight muscle that raises one side of the mouth, as happens when we smirk as though we know better. Contempt festers if not addressed, and those on the receiving end are left trying to figure out what they did or said that made the interaction feel so negative.

My favorite discussion I've listened to recently is Jonathan Van Ness and Hospice Nurse Julie on his podcast, Better. (You can listen here.) As a hospice nurse, Julie emphasizes the importance of allowing those we're with to have the space to share anything they may need to express. This makes us feel heard when we are allowed to speak uninterrupted, especially when the things we need to say may be challenging or uncomfortable.

Hospice Nurse Julie and Vanessa Van Edwards share a common opinion: honesty. Even when it is uncomfortable or difficult, this doesn't mean we should be brutal or tactless; however, it is vitally important to speak the truth. "I don't know what to say." "I don't know the answer." "I feel uncomfortable, I'm not sure why. Can I have a minute to think about what you've said?"

Another valid response is silence. Silence gives space for thought - ours and theirs. Sometimes silence provides more air time for the person we're with to elaborate or share more than they initially felt comfortable with.

Deep heartfelt conversation and connection require that there be no judgment. We must know that we can share freely without feeling guilt, shame, embarrassment, or pity. We should feel safe, and there must be a mutual trust that anything said will be kept between the individuals involved in the conversation. Full stop.

A lack of good conversations in our lives can leave us feeling lonely, depressed, unappreciated, and unimportant. However, meaningful exchanges leave us feeling recharged, relaxed, lighter, unburdened, joyful, and connected. They strengthen our relationships and enrich our lives. And they make us better human beings, open to new thoughts, ideas, and perspectives, helping us to understand the people with whom we share our lives.

It has taken me longer than usual to tease out this topic and my thoughts on it. How do you share a sensation? Is it possible to place an idea in the spotlight for examination? One thing I know is that there is value in sharing, even if done imperfectly. It provides me with the opportunity to remind myself of who I wish to be for the people around me.