What Happened to August?

I know why I've been experiencing big emotions over the last few weeks. I understand why they crop up at moments that seem too small for them to be an appropriate response. I know why they catch me off guard when I am unprepared. What I have been trying to tease out is why I haven’t processed or managed them more effectively yet.

To provide some context, as you may recall from my August post, my sibling’s birthday was last month. I shared a journal entry from a month after she passed and some of my current thoughts and feelings. I’ve received some lovely messages from readers regarding this post. If you are dealing with a loss, perhaps you will find some comfort in it.

The second thing that happened was that a very dear friend of mine lost his wife. When you have gone through a traumatic loss of someone close to you, you cannot stop at mere compassion. The empathy is immediate, and the desire to act is irrepressible. 

I now live many hours away from my friend. I was discussing travel plans with my husband to attend services when I received a phone call from my Dad. This is the third thing that inflated the emotional stress of these few weeks. He called to ask me to go pick up my Grandmother and take her to the ER.

Grandma has turned the corner from death’s door to returning to her life as it was normal. It was a scary couple of weeks, and we are grateful to have more time with her. Visiting with her yesterday was like being with her before it ever happened.

During all of this, I have been adjusting to life as a now-hired and gainfully employed person. I enjoy the work and the people I work with. The most significant adjustment has been having eight and a half hours of my free time taken out of the middle of my day and given over to working for someone else.

One last thing, when dealing with immediate upheaval and uncertainty, I set down the emotions that I am actually feeling; the worry, the what-ifs, the sadness. I do this intentionally so that I can be present for the moments that are finite and fleeting. I accept that the consequences of this are picking them up later, when they are heavier, and having to unpack them.

All of these factors have contributed to my glass of emotions being very full most days. They are why it seems odd that such small things can elicit such a significant response from me. I am logically aware of all of this, however, I have not had the appropriate time to dedicate to the things I would do to self-regulate. Mostly, this is due to not yet adjusting to my new schedule. 

I often get up, take my sweet time getting ready for the day, then, after work, feel as though it’s bedtime. I might spend an hour doing who knows what before getting ready for bed and going to sleep. I pulled up the calculator on my phone because I am nothing if not a visual person, took 24 hours, subtracted 8.5 for work, and subtracted the 10 hours of sleep that my body prefers and stared at the remaining 5.5 hours, suddenly not at all surprised that I feel as though there isn’t enough time in the day to do anything.

A significant portion of those hours has been dedicated to physical chaos management. We moved some furniture, unpacked boxes, and rearranged items, and have been trying to create some open space in the office. A LOT of progress has been made, and I can see the light at the end of this segment of the tunnel.

But now what? Creating chaos and moving furniture only served to match my environment to the kicked hornet nest that is my brain. And, now that the space is nearly in a pleasing order, it hasn’t calmed the buzzing. Honestly, the process probably only added to my emotional upheaval. I can only blame myself.

So how do I quell the jumble of thoughts and emotions? The first step is always recognizing the situation. The second is to figure out what I have or have not been doing that isn’t helping.

I spend 8.5 hours a day looking at computer screens. Often during my downtime, I find myself doomscrolling on my cell. I spend too much time scrolling through Pinterest or watching YouTube videos. It very well could take up four of the five and a half free hours of my day. I don't actually keep track. That's probably part of the problem.

I spend far too much time indoors and do not get enough fresh air and sunshine. Sitting in front of a sunny open window just isn't the same as going outside. And having a computer job means a lot of sitting, being indoors, and being inactive.

The long Labor Day weekend has provided me with ample opportunity to redirect my actions. I've spent much more time outdoors in the fresh air, gotten a bit too much sun, spent much more time with my family, indulged in my hobbies, and cuddled our critters to the point of their exasperation at times.

Maintaining this balance of work and life can be challenging when all else is uneventful. The month of August was anything but uneventful. So, while this chaos took me away from craftraven more than I would have liked, it did not lessen my desire to continue with it.